Sometimes things happen that you know you will never, ever be able to make sense of. Yet for some strange reason, your brain tries to sift through it to see if it can, and, without fail, ends up getting itself in a nice loop whilst it's at it.
That's pretty much been me the past month. It seems it is rather hard to have a high-speed, head-on car crash and then just get back to normal. Work stutters, essays stumble, and you seem to crumble. It's a rather sorry state of affairs, and I suppose this may be my way of actually trying to normalise at least what I can, and see if it can have some sort of flow on effect. I have always been a writer of stuff, but writing anything has taken a back seat for a very long time with me due to a number of reasons, and this is probably also (granted, three ciders have proceeded it) a way to tap into that creative energy again so that it is not stagnating, and starts to pour into those blasted essays! Honestly, I'm an opinionated woman! They really should not be causing me grief!
Anyway, so rewind to the 30/10/10. I had gone out to a friend's birthday in country Victoria, and was on my way back to Prahran for a debaucherous night on the town with some other friends. It was an extremely rainy night in Melbs, which, before this year, I had not seen a good deal of for a long time. So cruising back, at a respectable speed because the roads were dark and slippery, I got stuck behind this clown doing 60km/h in a 100 zone. Muttering under my breath, My Chemical Romance went in the CD player because it just seemed to fit. Finally we turned off the small road onto the Tulla near Sunbury, and an extremely welcome overtaking lane presented itself to me. Finally in front of numbnuts, I drove on doing a much more respectable 85km/hr. Got through Bulla, then the roundabouts near the airport, and was a mere minute or two from the beginning of the Tulla Fwy when I saw the headlights coming towards me and knew there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't swerve out of the way because there was no room for me to do so; she was in my lane and she was the only one who could fix it.
We hit both doing about 80-90km/h. My car was spun a full 180 degrees into a ditch on the other side of the road before coming to a stop. I think I sat there yelling and screaming at nothing in particular for an entire 2 minutes before I realised it was over, I was still here, and I needed to move. I turned off the engine, took a drag of my cigarette which, despite the crash, I had managed to keep ahold of, tried my door which was sealed shut, and then worked my way over to the back seat. The airbag had gone off and the smell was insanely strong. My face was throbbing, as was my wrist, knee and foot. I grabbed the crochet blanket I had worn to the party as a shawl, wrapped it around my shoulders, then opened the rear, driver's side door, and got out.
My knee felt like it was going to give away whilst I stood there looking at the car. I had some random people come up to me then, asking me if I was okay, and I blabbered on about how she was in my lane and I couldn't move. Some rumours and comments: "she was on her phone", "she has an international licence", "she's denying everything". It just made my head swim. This woman mentioned that the police and ambos were on their way and to hang tight. Coppers arrived first, questioned me, I spieled, they went again. The ambos then came, bundled me in their ambulence. Asked me the same questions again. Cop stuck their head in to breathalyse me. I passed. Ambos told me they were going to take me to the hospital. I insisted that they needed to let me go and grab my bag, but they wouldn't let me so I talked the older bloke ambo into getting it for me. Bag on lap, they strapped me in and carted me off to Royal Melbs ER.
What happened there was probably one of the more depressing nights I've had. I was strapped in a neck brace, and was not allowed to move because they were checking for spinal damage. I was in agony because my muscles had gone out due to shock, and I couldn't release them by moving. Panadeine Forte, an offer of Morphine, another offer of Panadeine Forte. After 10 hours the brace finally came off, and so I checked myself out and sat sobbing in the cafeteria (yep, classy stuff) waiting for a lift home.
Whiplash set in a 1.5 weeks after the accident and two days after I went back to work, and it was horrible. Valium, massage, and another week off was prescribed.
Essays due. Back at work again. Insomnia and anxiety attacks kicked in. Another week off prescribed as well as some good PTSD counselling.
That's the short of it, anyway. I'm getting there and trying to not worry about the essays. The car was absolutely stuffed, so it's bike and PT for me, and despite my insurance coming through I am not in a hurry to replace said car. Just trying to sort it all, slowly but surely...